


a long & winding road

by sharkfish



Series: october [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Dean Winchester, Asexuality, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-10 00:05:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13492656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkfish/pseuds/sharkfish
Summary: Cas was the one who suggested they try living together when his lease ran up on his old apartment. And Cas is the one who wraps around Dean at night, the only person Dean has ever felt ok with touching him without clothes on, because Cas never asks for anything other than comfort-love touches.Still, Dean worries.





	a long & winding road

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to [areiton](http://areiton.tumblr.com) for the beta :)

Dean’s only half paying attention to Meg and Cas’s conversation, too involved in a horcrux argument he and Charlie have had a million times, but then Meg makes some caustic joke about who fucks who in Dean and Cas’s house, and Dean’s heart stops.

Charlie pokes him. “Nothing to say about Riddle’s diary, Winchester?”

“I’m formulating my argument,” Dean says distractedly.

Under the table, Cas squeezes his hand, then says to Meg, “I never kiss and tell.”

 

They stay out too late and Dean has too much to drink so it’s probably not the best time for this conversation, but still, he says, “Did you tell Meg?”

“Tell Meg what?” Cas says, fiddling with his phone to set an alarm.

“That we’re not fucking.”

Cas looks up, surprised. “It’s none of her business, so no, I didn’t tell her. Is this about that thing she said? She’s an asshole. She’s just trying to rile you up.”

“She’s your friend, though. You tell her things.”

“Not that kind of thing.”

“Are you — you’re unhappy.”

Cas blinks. “I am?”

“You need it.”

“Sex? No one _needs_ sex. Dean,” Cas says, getting out of bed to wrap his arms around Dean, pull him close. “I’m not unhappy. I love you. I love being with you.”

“I’m supposed to — I should be able to — I can. I can do it.”

“I know you have before, but I also know you didn’t like it. I think it hurt you to pretend.” Cas ducks his head down to get Dean to meet his eyes. “If you really wanted to, not for me but for you, we could try. But I don’t think that’s why we’re having this conversation.”

“You’ve been with a lot of people.”

Cas shrugs. “So have you. That doesn’t mean anything.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure,” Cas says, smiling.

 

Dean loves Cas a lot — probably since he said _you’re shaking, are you ok?_ — but he’s not always good at saying it. It’s like if Dean says it out loud, he’ll be even more devastated when Cas leaves.

But Cas was the one who suggested they try living together when his lease ran up on his old apartment. And Cas is the one who wraps around Dean at night, the only person Dean has ever felt ok with touching him without clothes on, because Cas never asks for anything other than comfort-love touches.

Still, Dean worries. He worries the times when Cas is clearly enjoying kissing in a very different way than Dean does. He doesn’t snoop, but sometimes when he gets on Cas’s computer a porn site will auto-fill in the address bar, and he worries then. Sometimes Cas’s eyes drift down his body in a way that’s almost hungry, and he worries. A lot.

Dean’s never had a relationship this long, so every day he’s a little more worried. He’s pretty sure he and Lisa loved each other, but he knows she never really knew anything about him. Cas knows him — for real, all the things he’s never been able to say to anyone else — but still, he worries.

 

“Hey, handsome,” Cas says, smiling, when he comes in the door after work.

Dean tilts his head up for a kiss, and Cas gives one to him. “How was your day?” Cas says, but kisses Dean again before he can answer, lips parting.

Dean likes this. It’s a little muddled in his brain, how he can want Cas’s tongue in his mouth but the idea of anything more sexual than that makes him shudder and cringe, but he loves when Cas kisses him like this. It’s mostly sweet, but with a razor sharp edge of dirty, the kind of passion that probably makes Cas an amazing lover.

When Cas pulls back, he’s smiling wider, and he bumps his nose against Dean’s affectionately. Dean says, “It was good. Gettin’ a lot better now.”

“Are you up for some hardcore making out after dinner?”

Dean laughs. “Yeah, for sure.”

Cas gives Dean another kiss, short and soft. “I’m very pleased to hear this.”

“You’re such a fucking dork.”

“Secretly you love me because of it, not despite it,” Cas says with a smug smile.

“Shut up. What’s for dinner?”

“Whatever you want. And I love you too, if you happened to forget since this morning.”

“I didn’t forget.”

 

After dinner, Cas straddles Dean’s thighs and kisses him again and again. Dean thinks Cas is getting hard, but it’s ok, because he doesn’t seem interested in doing anything about it, just like always.

Dean likes to touch Cas. Likes how hot and smooth his skin is, likes to feel the flexing muscles in his back. He likes Cas to touch him, too, likes Cas’s hand petting his hair and Cas’s hand on his jaw, the way he brushes his thumb over Dean’s cheek.

“You’re so gorgeous,” Cas says. “Sometimes I can’t believe you’re mine.”

Cas can still make Dean blush. “You too,” Dean whispers.

“I looked a long time for you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I’ve been with a lot of people, and none of them were you. So I kept looking.” Cas kisses just between Dean’s eyebrows, and then the end of his nose. “A long and winding road that led me to you.”

Dean laughs, mostly just to deflect. “You’re so weird.”

Cas shrugs like the idea doesn’t concern him. Dean wishes he were that brave.

 

They pretend a lot that taking a joint shower is somehow going to save them time in the mornings, but what it really means is that they spend a long time under the spray, nuzzling sleepy-soft at each other. Cas washes Dean’s hair. Dean laughs at Cas’s pre-coffee frown.

Dean used to think that he would never feel love like this for — _with_ — another person, because he thought he was broken. He wasn’t even sure if he even wanted this, dates out and dates in, their friend groups melting together, falling asleep tucked close, waking up still touching, but now he’s so fucking grateful for it that it’s almost a physical pain.

Cas says _Is this ok?_ all the time. He says _Can I kiss you?_ He says _I never kiss and tell._ He says _I love you_ in a hundred thousand different ways, and sometimes that means he’s actually saying _I love you_ against Dean’s mouth in between kisses.

Dean says _Yeah, it’s good_ . He says _Fuck, yes_ . He says _Kiss me more_ . He says _Sometimes I love you so goddamn much I can’t breathe._

**Author's Note:**

> [reallyelegantsharkfish on tumblr](http://reallyelegantsharkfish.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [transformative works policy](http://reallyelegantsharkfish.tumblr.com/post/167716491355/transformative-works-policy)
> 
> blatantly stole "a long & winding road that led me to you" from [dean's lullaby](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0I7tC6NGghc) (do not watch unless you are prepared to cry)


End file.
